A Bed is a Bed is a Bed

My bones are old, and my bed is hard. Old bones do not like hard beds. So I decided to go out

this morning and buy a new bed.

You've no doubt seen those ads where Lindsay Wagner, whose bones are not very young anymore either, is touting the wonders of the bed that you can adjust from firm to soft all at the touch of a button. You pump air into it or you deflate it---that's the secret!

The salesman invited me to sample the bed while lying down. He was tall, dark and rather nice looking so I accepted his invitation. "No, not that side", he said, "come over to this side." Always willing to cooperate, I walked around to the other side and assumed a horizontal position.

"Why do you have to have a computer for this?" I asked, innocently.

"There's a kind of a camera in the mattress", he said.

"Oh Lord", "Am I going to be pictured on the computer?" I wondered.

Well, yes, there was a picture of me, in a way, showing how much weight I put on various areas

of the mattress. It was an infra-red picture, like those pictures that show heat.

The color red meant that's where the most weight came in contact with the bed. Of course,

I could see that the middle of me was the heaviest. How embarrassing!

I have slept on a great variety of beds in my lifetime, from cardboard laid across 2x4's up in an

attic, a water bed, a BeautyRest mattress, and believe it or not, a mattress that was completely stuffed with goose down. Now there was a mattress---a wonderful hunk of pure heaven.

I hope and pray this new mattress might be just like that. There is a thirty day trial on this bed.

If I don't like it, I get my money back except for certain fees that may amount to about $300.

Yes, I sure hope and pray I will like it.